


The Luxury of Failure

by ArcanicSoul, Rolex



Series: Couldn't Ask For More [2]
Category: citrus - サブロウタ | citrus - Saburouta
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Fluff, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 06:20:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15309309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcanicSoul/pseuds/ArcanicSoul, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rolex/pseuds/Rolex
Summary: Mei acknowledged how Yuzu’s habits could negatively affect her health, yet here she was doing the same exact thing she chided the older girl about during their first few months in college.





	The Luxury of Failure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BluBerserker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluBerserker/gifts).



> Well...it's been awhile since I've actually written fluff, so here you guys go. To be honest, things have been kind of...not so great lol ever since I heard about Citrus ending next month, and it's been kind of affecting how I've been writing lately. Only 41 chapters and so many missed opportunities. Let's just say I've been lowkey going through the 5 Stages of Grief (in a more subtle manner) compared to when I first read chapter 36. But either way, even though this series is ending soon, I still want to contribute more for my favorite dumb useless lesbians...no matter what the ending is possibly going to be. I'm gonna miss having Citrus around (been following it for 5 years now), but these characters will always have a special place in my heart <3
> 
> Anyway, BluBerserker, this is for you! I know you commented in one of my fics before that you were sad hearing the news about Citrus ending, so I hope this bit of fluff can cheer you up in some way!! ^^ 
> 
> A shoutout to my wonderful beta (and co-writer), ArcanicSoul for helping me out with writing this fic. Lord knows how much I've been struggling with wording lately ><' If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be in a ditch right now digging my own grave or just staring blankly at a Google Doc for 3 hours straight XD So, thank you for your help >u<
> 
> And lastly, I wanna give a shoutout to punklobster/angel0wonder who's been indirectly cheering me up after the 'end of Citrus' news was dropped. She's been nothing but a positive force in this fandom, and no matter how angsty things get (whether they be in the manga or the fandom itself), she always manages to find something great to look forward to when it comes to Yuzu and Mei. You're a trooper and the real MVP! And I know you've heard me say this a million times already, but with your positive nature and dedication in this fandom (even though I've technically only been around this fandom for a year) you are honestly such a blessing to this fandom <3

“Meeeiiiiii!” Yuzu whined as she clung onto the younger girl’s arm. 

“Yes, Yuzu? What is it?” Mei sighed as she continued working on her college assignments. Typically, Yuzu knew better than to bother the younger girl while she focused on homework. And oftentimes, the older girl would be sitting on her desk across from Mei, hyper-focused on her own class assignments. 

However, today wasn’t one of those days. 

“Can’t you just take a break? Yuzu asked, “You’ve been at it for 3 hours now. And don’t say you need to finish this now,” she added before Mei could interrupt her. “Don’t you always tell me I shouldn’t overdo it when I’m working on schoolwork.” 

Mei grumbled a bit before sighing. She didn’t want to admit it, but Yuzu was right. But even though her girlfriend was calling her out for being a little hypocritical, Mei felt she had no other choice. She already missed a few days of class due to her own personal issues that made her unable to leave their apartment, let alone get up from bed. While she had told Yuzu not to strain herself in her studies, at least the older girl didn’t allow her own internal issues from impeding her daily life.

“Just...just a few more minutes,” Mei managed as she tried to maintain her focus. If she took a break now, who knows how much farther back she’d be left behind. She already took an unexpected break those past few days and couldn’t afford to relax right now no matter how exhausted she was currently feeling. 

As she continued adamantly working on her assignments, she felt Yuzu’s hand intertwine with her free one, giving it a light squeeze. Mei couldn’t help but feel Yuzu’s gaze remain fixed on her, and turned to face her. 

“What?” raising a brow at her girlfriend’s disapproving expression, “You make it seem like you don’t believe me.” 

“C’mon, I know you, Mei,” Yuzu pointed out. “You did this a lot back in high school. Are you sure just a few more minutes?” her voice laced with concern. 

Mei averted her eyes and pouted. As much as she’d liked to say she changed after high school, the younger girl still sometimes stuck to her old, arguably destructive, workaholic habits--the same work habits that Yuzu eventually took the moment they began college. Mei acknowledged how Yuzu’s habits could negatively affect her health, yet here she was doing the same exact thing she chided the older girl about during their first few months in college. 

If only that side of Mei would come in and scold herself right about now. 

“If I take a break, I'll fall behind,” Mei sighed, turning back to her work. She wanted to take a break, she really did. But even something as simple as resting on the chair while Yuzu held onto her was seen as a luxury she couldn't afford. “A few more minutes, I promise,” she repeated, also hoping to persuade herself.

“How many more minutes?” Yuzu skeptically asked. 

“Ten,” Mei simply answered.

“Ten isn't a few, Mei,” Yuzu chided, then suggested, “How about 5 minutes?” 

Five minutes? That wasn't nearly enough time to finish so much. 

“Then 9 minutes,” Mei countered.

“8.” 

“7.” 

“6.”

“7 minutes,” Mei adamantly repeated. “And no other number will change my mind.” 

Yuzu pouted. She was hoping to persuade the younger girl to take it a little easier. But seven minutes was better than a whole ten. Now, Yuzu needed to know if Mei was actually going to follow through with her suggestion.

“Really?” Yuzu challenged with a growing smirk. “Nothing else will make you change your mind?” 

“No,” Mei firmly declared as she tried to maintain her concentration, “Now can you please let me focus?” 

She let out a sigh of frustration as she continued finishing her work. Numbers and words began blurring together, and her brain couldn’t seem to absorb any of the information effectively. Were her assignments always this difficult?

Rubbing her eyes with her freehand, Mei attempted to recollect herself. 

Seven minutes. 

If she could get a significant amount of work done in seven minutes, then maybe she could reward herself by allowing Yuzu to curl up beside her, resting to their heart’s content. But everything seemed so confusing to her to the point where she couldn't comprehend what a simple mathematics problem was asking. 

Was she simply tired? Had she not fully recovered from her mental drop the other week? Did she not have the motivation right now? 

Or was she always like this, and now realizing the extent of her abilities? 

Mei sighed again in frustration, feeling the fatigue weigh down on her eyelids. She was about to doze off in the middle of her work until she felt a pair of lips linger on her cheek. The weight of Mei’s fatigue made her barely register whether or not what she was currently feeling was a dream. Maybe she had already drifted off into peaceful slumber with Yuzu by her side making her forget her troubles and worries. If this was a dream, then she may as well enjoy it while she can. Perhaps she can try to finish the rest of her assignments tomorrow morning.

She felt those lips again, but this time on her temple, then on the side of her lips, then on her cheek again.

And again.

And again, with each one becoming more of a peck than a linger. 

That was when Mei realized this wasn’t a dream. Yuzu was actually kissing her at that moment. And if this wasn't a dream, that only meant one thing in Mei’s mind. 

She needed to continue working. 

After registering the older girl’s kisses, she turned her head to face Yuzu, who continued leaving peppering kisses all over her face.

Stopping in the middle of her work, Mei put her hand on Yuzu’s shoulder and sighed, “Yuzu what are you doing?”

“Persuading you,” she paused to leave another kiss, “maybe even motivating you,” and paused again for another. “You seemed so stuck in your work I thought, maybe I could help you finish.”

“And how would you kissing me help finish my assignments faster?” Mei asked in a deadpan tone.

“Think of me as your reward once you’re done!” 

Yuzu gave her a cheeky grin before closing the distance on the younger girl’s lips. 

Mei was about to protest, but the moment she felt Yuzu’s soft lips on hers, her mind went blank, and felt herself melt at the sensation. It had been a couple weeks since they were able to enjoy pleasurable moments such as these, especially each other’s company without having school get in the way. Well, at least for Mei. Due to recent problems that arose for the younger girl, Yuzu placed her schoolwork in the backseat and did everything she could to take care and cheer Mei up in some way. That wasn’t to say she was possibly sacrificing her own future for Mei’s sake. She still managed to finish her work on time and study enough to give her adequate results in her academics. Besides, Yuzu wouldn’t be able to focus in school knowing Mei could be hurting. 

Although Yuzu’s studies guaranteed her a bright future, Mei was also her future.

Yuzu pulled back from the kiss, much to Mei’s reluctance. She leaned her forehead against Mei’s, seeing the dark circles under the younger girl’s eyes much more clearly. The older girl’s grin faltered after noticing how dazed and weary her girlfriend looked. Placing a hand on Mei’s cheek, Yuzu caressed her gently, almost as if afraid she would shatter the fragile-looking girl.

“The only thing you’re doing is distracting me,” Mei said bashfully as she recollected herself. She shook her head, trying to keep herself awake. Before she could manage to turn her head back to concentrating on work, Yuzu’s hand on her cheek kept her in place.

“More like I'm persuading you. Come on, Mei. Look at yourself,” Yuzu sighed, then kissed her girlfriend’s tired eyes. “You know you need a break.” 

While she couldn’t see her own reflection right now, Mei could only imagine how much of a mess she currently was. Dark circles laced under her bloodshot eyes. Her hair was ruffled in an unkempt manner with a few knots here and there, and much of the clothes she had been wearing for the past couple of days consisted of the kind of oversized t-shirts Yuzu liked wearing from time to time. She may not have a mirror in front of her, but if her younger self saw her now, that Mei would mostly be shocked, maybe even disappointed. 

“Okay,” she relented, putting her pencil down. “You win. I’ll rest for now.” There was no point in continuing anyway. Yuzu may have been distracting her earlier, but her concentration kept slipping away no matter how adamantly stubborn she was trying to maintain it. 

Before she could adjust herself to rest, Yuzu immediately stood up, grabbed Mei and directed her to their bed, kissing her all over. Cheek, neck, lips, and anywhere the older girl’s lips could reach on her face. When their legs made contact with the bed, Yuzu toppled over Mei, straddling the younger girl’s hips before capturing her lips in a feverish kiss. 

The two broke away, breathless and eyes lidded. After regaining her sense of thought, that was when Yuzu jokingly asked, “Should I get the toys out?”

A crimson blush spread across Mei’s cheeks, her hand caressing Yuzu’s cheek, then down to her neck, “I don’t think...we’ll need those tonight.” She pulled Yuzu in closer, whose face was still burning with excitement after her earlier question. “I just want to kiss you.” 

Yuzu smiled warmly at her girlfriend in response. “How would you feel if I told you I feel the same?”

Instead of words, Mei pulled Yuzu down, bringing their lips together in a soft, chaste, but needy kiss. How long had it been since they kissed like this? Though the two shared kisses every now and then from the previous couple weeks, they were more out of obligation and acknowledgement--a symbol of their relationship. With that, the simple ‘goodbye’, ‘good morning’, and ‘goodnight’ kisses lacked the passion that would leave the two craving for more. But it wouldn’t hurt to renew that part of their relationship tonight.

After the two pulled apart, Yuzu caressed Mei’s hair and placed a lingering kiss on the younger girl’s forehead. 

“I missed kissing you,” Mei admitted as Yuzu pulled away to look at her. “I’m sorry, I’ve been...preoccupied as of late.” 

“I missed kissing you too, Mei,” Yuzu chuckled before giving her a sad smile. “I know you’ve been freaking out about falling behind, but you know it’s okay to rest every once in awhile, even if it does mean failing.” She brought the younger girl’s hand to her lips and kissed the palm of her hand. “I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but you come first. You’re not a machine, Mei. You can’t be expected to be working all the time.” 

But Mei already had her head turned to the side, thinking about the piles of assignments that were left to be finished. 

“Mei,” Yuzu chided as she cupped the younger’s girl cheek and brought her to look at her, “Don’t tell me you’re thinking about your assignments again. Did you even listen to anything I said?” 

“I did,” Mei sighed. “But if you say you know me so much, then you should also know that I can’t afford to fail. You know the weight I carry for my family, Yuzu. I don’t have the same luxury as you...where I’m allowed to fail and be okay with it.” She released another heavy sigh as her class assignments clouded her mind, “I shouldn’t even be laying in bed like this…I already wasted most of my time last week doing that.” She was already about to get up from bed until Yuzu placed an arm on her shoulder to hold her in place. 

“Mei, no,” Yuzu scolded as she moved to pin her girlfriend’s wrists on the bed, a tender look as she stared at her down below . “You’re staying right here. I don’t want you working yourself to death.” 

There was a moment of silence between the two before Mei rolled her eyes as she let out a sigh and smiled warmly, “You know I can’t win against you when you're like this.”

“Well, you can’t win either way since I’m on top of you,” Yuzu cheekily grinned. 

It was almost hard for Mei to keep that snort of disbelief from escaping. “What if I enjoy you being on top then, hm?” 

Yuzu chuckled and kissed her again, loosening the firm grip she had on the other girl. “You just can’t get enough of me, can you?”

Another moment of silence followed as the two stared at each other lovingly. While Mei slowly felt her responsibilities slip past her mind, Yuzu thought about what else to say to the younger girl. She knew that she was most likely going to repeat herself to Mei, and trying to tell her to stop working herself to death during their college years was no different compared to when they were in high school. Was it wrong for her to want to love her girlfriend the best she can? 

Mei have been content in the moment, but it was only a matter of time until she reverted back to her usual machine mode. 

“You know…” Yuzu began, “I never thought I’d know what it feels like to have your life. I was always jealous of you, actually,” she chuckled. “You’re smart, beautiful, rich, popular...everyone loved you.” Mei gave her a doubtful look after that last statement. “Okay almost everyone. The point is, I thought that your life was easy.” 

The older girl lowered herself and laid down on her side besides Mei before continuing. “Then I learned more about the burden you had to carry trying to take care of Gramps’s school and realized the pressure you were always under. And of course, when we met as step-sisters, I thought, as the responsible older sister at the time, wanted to help you relax and take it easy some way.” She began caressing Mei’s hair as she continued speaking. “You were right back then though,” Yuzu averted her eyes. “Failing was never much of a big deal for me, at least until I met you. Do you remember that one time I freaked out just because I missed one assignment and you told me it wasn’t the end of the world?” 

Mei nodded, trying not to recall the details of what happened that day. As typical it was for Yuzu to procrastinate, ever since college had begun for the two, the older girl began to take her studies much more seriously. The assignment, if she remembered correctly, was worth 15 points--more than a typical homework assignment in her class, but not enough to significantly bring Yuzu’s grade down. 

Regardless, missing that assignment was enough to spiral Yuzu into panic mode. With Mei’s grandfather’s expectations of Yuzu being a suitable partner, coupled with working at full speed hanging over her head, the combination of the two drove the older girl into a breakdown. Although Yuzu would always laugh the situation off looking back, Mei could still vividly picture the coffee cans riddled all over her desk, how bloodshot the older girl’s eyes appeared trying to make up for her “mistake”, and the cold feeling her body was left with after witnessing Yuzu struggle to breathe. 

“I didn’t want to disappoint any more people in my life,” Mei sighed. “My grandfather, mother and father, my teachers at university, even the...friends that I’ve made there,” Mei had to pause herself and repeat that last statement in her head, still unsure and in disbelief that she was able to make her own friends at her own school without Yuzu’s help. On the outside, Mei brushed off Yuzu’s celebration. But internally, it was one of the few things Mei was secretly proud of about herself. “And you…” Mei added, “I didn’t, and still don’t, want to disappoint you.”

“You think it was any different for me?” Yuzu gave her a soft smile in return, leaning down to steal a peck. “I was so afraid of disappointing you that I threw myself in my school work, stopped paying attention to you, and almost forgot how to take care of myself.”

Mei gave a grumble in response and buried her head close to Yuzu’s chest. “Please don’t scare me like that again.” 

“You’re one to talk,” Yuzu teasingly countered. “You can’t tell me to take care of myself when you’re not doing the same,” she held Mei closer to her, lowering her voice to soothe the younger girl to sleep. “And by the way, you’re not disappointing anyone…” Yuzu paused a moment, thinking of only one person who could possibly be remotely disappointed in any minor slip up from Mei, “Well, I don’t know how Gramps feels, but you’re not disappointing anyone, especially not me,” she emphasized. 

It was moments such as these that made Mei wonder if Yuzu knew how much she touched her heart.

Leaning up, she placed a soft kiss on the corner of Yuzu’s lips, “Thank you, Yuzu. You always seem to know what to say.”

“What do you mean seem to? You mean, I always know what to say to cheer you up!” she grinned. Mei gave a warm smile in response, but Yuzu could sense slight uncertainty behind her expression. “You seem like something’s still bothering you.” Yuzu pouted. Her hand rose up to cradle the side of Mei’s face, her thumb brushing across her cheek.

Mei released a soft sigh, unsurprised Yuzu knew her so well to ask such a thing. “What if I lose the motivation to do anything again?” 

Yuzu shot her a smug face, showing how confident she was in her abilities to lifting the other girl’s spirits. “Then I’ll keep giving you as much motivation as you need. Starting with this...” she finished by closing the distance on Mei’s lips.

The younger girl’s eyes fluttered shut, allowing herself to melt into the kiss. Her arms slid behind Yuzu’s neck, tugging her as close as she could. The more the older girl’s warmth radiated throughout her body, the more Mei felt her remaining tension disappear. Within Yuzu’s arms, the younger girl’s worries about failure no longer scared her. 

Pulling away after a short moment, Yuzu asked breathless, “Are you feeling any better?” 

“Maybe…” Mei answered, cheeks flustered from the kiss.

“Are you sure? Or is there anything else I can do?” 

“Actually,” Mei fidgeted, her fingers playing with each other behind Yuzu’s neck as she bashfully asked, “Can you just hold me?” 

In response, Yuzu giggled at how adorable her girlfriend was acting, her arms tugging Mei closer by the waist. “You don’t even need to ask.” 

For the rest of the night, Yuzu continued combing the locks of Mei’s hair, occasionally playing with it absentmindedly out of her own amusement. Every time Yuzu felt Mei shift a bit, she responded by automatically going back to running her fingers through Mei’s locks at a slow pace. Eventually, the younger girl whined and whimpered a bit the moment she noticed Yuzu’s hands slow down and eventually halt her movements. 

Mei peeked her head up from Yuzu’s chest, hoping to have her continue soothing her to sleep. When she found Yuzu had already drifted off into slumber before her, Mei would’ve pouted in disappointment, but instead, found herself melt once more at the sight of Yuzu’s smiling face, knowing she was the cause of that smile.

Out of everyone else in her life, even above her grandfather, Mei had always feared she would disappoint Yuzu again. And why wouldn’t she be wary or afraid or even cautious? Since the first day they met, she always felt that she let Yuzu down more times than she could count. Aside from the occasional dates and subtle affectionate gestures she would shower the older girl with, Mei poured herself in her school work, hoping to continue being the top student and “role-model” Yuzu had always looked up to. With college came new sides to Mei, such as her constant clinginess, depressive episodes, and overall vulnerabilities, which may or may not have drained Yuzu. That train of thought left Mei wondering if she was still good enough for the older girl. It was during times such as those that made her wonder if Yuzu preferred the stone-cold facade she usually had. 

But looking at the the smile that remained on Yuzu’s face after falling asleep next to her gave her the answer. 

Reaching up, Mei’s hand cradled Yuzu’s cheek, whispering, “I love you, Yuzu.” 

She felt Yuzu shift a little, then scolded herself for having woken up the other girl. 

“I love you too, Mei,” Yuzu replied coherently, much to the younger girl’s surprise. 

Realizing the older girl was still conscious, Mei shot her a deadpan expression. “You’re still awake?” then grumbled as she insisted Yuzu to continue stroking her hair, “Why’d you stop?”

“I thought you already fell asleep,” Yuzu chuckled as she opened her eyes. 

But instead of words, Mei whimpered in response, almost begging for Yuzu to continue what she was doing earlier. 

“Okay, okay!” Yuzu laughed as she continued running her hands through Mei’s hair again. “You’re so cute when you get like this,” she finished as the younger girl buried her face in her chest again. “I’ll even sing to you if that’ll help…” 

“Mmm…” Mei responded. She breathed in Yuzu’s scent, easing into the comfort and security of her arms. The combination of Yuzu’s soft fingers running along her scalp, along with her humming a faint tune allowed herself to let go and feel vulnerable while enwrapped in Yuzu’s arms.

How could she ever doubt while underestimating the older girl’s love for her? 

Out of everyone else she knew in her life, Yuzu was the one Mei feared disappointing the most. But out of everyone else, Yuzu was the only one who ever gave Mei the luxury to stumble and fall. 

And with that in mind, Mei settled in for the night with her lover, curled up in her arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place shortly before A Sound Needed


End file.
